sLaYeR_13

my sister ARIANE

Sat, 14 Mar 2009 14:37:17 GMT

MyHeritage: Family trees - Genealogy - Celebrities - Collage - Morph

i knew it

Sat, 20 Sep 2008 14:20:46 GMT

from the very beginning i knew it...

i knew i would hurt him... no matter what i do..no matter how i change i'll hurt him...

why?

because it's not something me in me. it is simply me! so no matter how hard i try to change and no matter how hard i try to please him... i will always hurt his fragile heart...

wow!

Wed, 23 Aug 2006 11:54:02 GMT

it has been such a long time since i last placed an entry. i guess i have been really busy...or lazy. i did have lots of things i had to attend to but i also had instances when i can't find anything to do. hmmm...i guess it's really about me being too lazy to come in front of the computer, log-in my lj and create an entry. but anyway, here i go.

before, i posted for the sake of posting but now i think i'll place entries here in aim of somehow capturing my thoughts in words and placing them somewhere more easily accessible, the memory of the computer and of this journal as oppose to my brain memory. i have realized that i do have nice thoughts and significant opinions and insights that i love to share but im too shy to do so. i guess it' partially because i think i do not know better and so i should keep my mouth shut and listen to others and partially because sometimes im too stubborn and proud that i just want to keep things to myself so that no one else may claim it and in a way keep it perfect and incontestable. well now, i'll rid off that shyness and that pride. i'll let others in the very much complex and complicated workings of my mind. atleast to those who can access this blog.

welcome to my head. see how i see, hear how i hear, smell how i smell, feel how i feel, taste hoe i taste. listen. know. understand. what i really wnat to say.

i just wish it wasn't so honest

Sun, 11 Dec 2005 01:58:53 GMT

You Are 18 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

one more

Sun, 11 Dec 2005 01:50:40 GMT

You Are Somewhat Machiavellian

You're not going to mow over everyone to get ahead...
But you're also powerful enough to make things happen for yourself.
You understand how the world works, even when it's an ugly place.
You just don't get ugly yourself - unless you have to!

How Machiavellian Are You?

from a computer generated test

Sun, 11 Dec 2005 01:47:42 GMT

How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.

You tend to take more than give in relationships.

You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.

You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.

You are fickle and tend to fall out of love easily. You bounce from romance to romance.

Wed, 28 Sep 2005 15:35:49 GMT

wow! our group got a 99 in the finals for PE 135: Jazz!!! i thought i won't be able to make it. hehehe :) well one A down. hahaha!!! :)) A nga PE naman. but honestly, the class was hard. it was the hardest PE i ever had. the training, the routines, the choreography, the complicated blockings and the numerous forms of stretching (inclding doing splits!). yes, it was back-breaking, it was really painful especially around the legs but hey, the beneits do outweigh the costs :) the trainings were like free work-outs that's why, though not fully developed, i now have abs. the routines were really enjoyable, like when you get home or even while on the way home , you'll find yourself suddenly breaking into dance :)) it also opens your mind to new ideas for future presentations. the the choreography is really just perfect. helps you become more disciplined, helps develop precision and grace in your movements, helps you be more balanced. the complicated blockings strengthen your visaul memory skills and allows you to develop better timing... atleast in dancing it does :)) and the stretchings...the stretchings....Gahd the STRETCHINGS!!! they helped me be more flexible. they hepled me move more eficiently and they helpe me walk faster...cause if after PE i would start walking slow, my legs and feet would feel the immense pain and i would just die. hahahaha :)) anyway, that's it for my PE. no more 1300-1400 class for me on mondays and wednesdays. for the whole next week my school day ends at 1230. woohhooo :D

what else do i wanna share in his entry? ahm... i finished one paper today and i also have worked on the other one i jus lack some names and i'll be ready to submit them. actually the papers aren't due until next week thursday but after these two papers for SA i still have 5 to wok on or Psychology and twelve discussion papers on the twelve thesis statements for theo all due on thursday and friday next week. then i'll have to study for my final long test in economics on tuesday, Fil14 and SA on Thursday and Psych for this weekend. which reminds me, i have to reread etsa-pwera tonight so i will be ready for my quiz tomorrow in Fil. plus i have to make a cnclusion for our report pala. hahahaha :)) all due tomorrow!!! cge gagawin ko na :D

here i go again

Thu, 25 Aug 2005 07:28:31 GMT

i miss everyone... i miss the three of you!!! it feels like all three of you have left me alone in this shithole...i know debz is still in the same country but i still feel like we are so far away from each other. i know sweetie, we've bothe been busy and perhaps very busy still. but i just wish that we could call each other up decide on an unplanned coffee date and talk and laugh.

i miss laughing...i don't do that much anymore. even genuine smiles are rare with me these days. usually, i smile because it is what should be done but i never had a perfectly sincere and heartfelt smile since, well since debz and i last saw each other after the twins left.

i miss coffee...i don't drink coffee na..and softdrinks and iced tea and other stuff that are too much in sugar, caffeinated and/or carbonated. atleast not much because they are bad for me na.. why? well, results of my general check-up came up with anemic, underweight, acidic, bronchial asmathic and a heart that is under observation because it might as well be weak.. :( ang sad noh..and all this time i thought i was perfectly healthy and strong.

i miss hanging out doing nothing...i can'tdo that anymore. everything i do seems to be under a strictly followed sched. like right now, while typing this i am working on my draft for my paper and checking my mails for messages from orgs and blocks regarding schoolstuff.

i miss being spontaneous and always game...i don't do that anymore...my scheed won't allow me.

i miss not having a fixed schedule...

i miss life...

when do you think will it come back?

love will show you everything

Wed, 03 Aug 2005 14:07:12 GMT

Today, today I bet my life
You have no idea
What I feel inside
Don't, be afraid to let it show
For you'll never know
If you let it hide

I love you
You love me
Take this gift and don't ask why
Cause if you will let me
I'll take what scares you
Hold it deep inside
And if you ask me why I'm with you
And why I'll never
Leave
Love will show you everything

One day
When youth is just a memory
I know you'll be standing right next to me

I love you
You love me
Take this gift and don't ask why
Cause if you will let me
I'll take what scares you
Hold it deep inside
And if you ask me why I'm with you
And why I'll never
Leave
My love will show you everything
My love will show you everything
My love will show you everything
My love will show you everything

i touch the fire and it freezes me

Wed, 22 Jun 2005 12:25:23 GMT

i am so pissed i can't feel
i find it amazing how love becomes hate that easy
stupidity and close-mindedness were the hammers that shattered
a friendship i thought was would last forever

my first memory with vintage

Wed, 08 Jun 2005 13:07:23 GMT

i never go dramatic because in the group i am the tough cookie. i don't usually go teary-eyes worrying about problems and i am never to be caught helpless because even if i am totally clueless and totally hopeless i always face things head on. well, atleast that's how i've been with my friends and family, me, all on my own is a different thing. alone, i am the weakest, most cowardly, helpless little girl. but i am neer really alone, not most of the time that is.

i am always surrounded with the people i love. i always surround myself with the people i love. i hold them close to me, in me, in my heart, my mind, my spirit. they are always with me. and my most favoritest of my loved ones are the three girls to whom i share this site with: stella leanna villanueva gutierrez, sandra lenore villlnaueva gutierrez, and debbie anne jose manay. these three are my most bestest friends in the whole entire universe! overly exaggerated? maybe but that is the truth and if i'll be anything in this entry it'll be totally honest!

on july 11, the day i dread the most, they will be leaving for canada for good. the day is near and time seems to pass more quickly now. i never said that i hate that they have to go and i always am the one comforting them and telling them things will work out for the better but i have always been pained by the thought of having all those miles between us. one time debbie cried actually they all went teary-eyed when we were discussing the canada thing and i found myself smiling and joking about it, which did make them laugh and did make it lighter but it was a mask to the pain in my heart.

i haven't shed a tear over the issue but last night i was reminded of the canada thing and i started to feel like i am numbed and i can't feel the gravity. i hated myself for not being sad enough i started thinking don't they mean as much as i tell them they do because i can't cry, i can't feel sad, i am still on the "it's all for the best" and "everything will be just fine" mode. but then memories of our friendship started to swarm my thoughts and i found myself drowning in a pool treasured moments. i was reminded of how much they do mean to me and finally i felt. so here i share my favorite moment of all, my first memory with vintage.

it was during the third day of intrams. i remember it well because that day we won the baton relay, i earned a scratch during the obstacle race, and i met them. it was after the baton relay and i wanted to wash my face so badly. so i did, i went to the faucet and cooled my face then i noticed three girls playing monkey in the middle in the corridor. i do not know if it was the game, their inviting laughter, or the little pastic with the clown designs that they were using as their ball but whatever it was i was drawn to watch them. sandra was the it that time, she looked funny trying to avoid the plastic as debbie and stella aimed at her. the three would laugh and everytime they did i would laugh too. stella approached me and asked me if i would like to join them. of course i did. so we played and that was my favorite part of the day. i dont know why, maybe it was the game or their inviting laughter or the little plastic with the clown designs that they were using as their ball. or maybe it was them...

that time i wasn't sure yet but now i know for certain why that moment never left my head and why it is always kept in my heart...it is because that was when i met my soulmates, extensions of me, the persons who will be my strength, my bestest friends in the whole world. they are the best thing that happened to me that day and yes, even up to today.

last night, i was reminded of how much the mean to me and how i really really love them. last night was the first time i shed a tear, it was the time it finally sank in, they are leaving and i am helpless, left with no choice but to accept. but as i've said in the beginning of this entry i am someone who will face things head on. this is just another thing, we'll get through this besides as a friend of mine said, "hindi naman sila mawawala e, lalayo lang.."

i love you stella! i love you sandra! i love you debbie! mahal na mahal ko kayo! thank you for letting me play monkey in the middle with you! thank you for letting me laugh with you! thank you for sharing the world with me for ten years now! thank you for being my soul sisters! sa lahat lahat...maraming maraming salamat!

Thu, 12 May 2005 15:02:40 GMT

i owe my blog a lot of entries already and i don't know where to begin...

will i start with tonight? last night? last monday? last weekend? the weekend before that? or the weekend before that weekend? hay nakoh mars kasi ang tamad!!!

i can't really start updating my blog right now cause someone might look over my shoulder but i really want to update na!!!

i have too many precious memories, all kept in my head and i want to place them where i can go back to them anytime. i don't want them to eventually be forgotten because they really are the type of moments that could bring a smile to my face even in the most darkest hour.

i will try as soon as... :)

i'm bored

Sat, 16 Apr 2005 08:31:36 GMT

hay nakoh!!!

im out of the house right now but im not very far away from it. i've really just been looking for a chance to get out of there. i'm pretty bored.

i've been doing some exercising since yesterday coz my cousin told me i look fat even if imnot really fat. insecurity got to me so there i kinda forced myself... besides she is right!!! we gotta care about what is seen as well.. at joan and her belief in beauty!!! i don't really know why i allow myself to be affected but i guess ms smarty-pants (<--that's me) saw her point.

whatever!! basta i'm bored to death and i really want to go somewhere or do something basta ayoko na sa routine na toh... nakakainis e tsaka nakakasawa talaga!!!

a stranger

Wed, 13 Apr 2005 16:33:53 GMT

march 21, 2005 monday

the book is right. our lives are interwoven to create one beautiful story. the story that has no definite start and no definite end. every man may he be dead , alive, or about to be born, he plays a big role in the magnificent story told by the best story-teller. your existence, whether you know it or not affects someone's life in many ways. the stranger you passed while walking down the street, the boy who accidentally squirted water at you while playing with his water gun, the girl who brought you hell during highschool, the cafeteria lady whose cooking you've disliked so much, the beggar you shooed away, the priest whose lecture you loved so much or the person who you danced with while partying at a club, all of them are part of the many reasons that you are who you are right now. all of them have an effect to your universe.

a person who has given me much inspiration and much reason to smile is a stranger. i don't talk about it much around my friends, i don't tell anyone at all but this guy has brought much happiness to my life and the strangest thing about it is that i don't know anything about him. sometimes we find inspiration from the most unexpected places, i found mine in a complete stranger. and though i may not get a chance to know him or talk to him and give a stronger base for my fondness with him i don't care at all. all i know is i am happy knowing that he is around.

the cafeteria. that's where i first saw him. i was with a friend who was scouting for a possible crush and he was seated beside my friend's potential crush. all i got back then was a glance of him and i didn't get much of his features, just his hair. at that time i did not care at all. two days later i saw him again, we crossed paths by faura. that time i got a better look at him. nothing interesting i told myself. but his face was stuck in my head ever since. i didn't see him for a long time after that or maybe i did but i didn't care.

then one time during second sem i found myself caught in a dilemma. i was walking around with my head up and a smile on my face but inside i was being eaten by a problem i knew none of my friends would understand. i go on with everyday without anyone noticing that there was something wrong with me. i guess i'm just one hell of an actress. i was stressed with a lot of things. i was losing my will, i was losing control over my life, i felt so contained. i didn't know who i was, i was so confused. i think it was just a phase since there has been a lot of changes in my life recently. i won't elaborate about them here but one of them would be my being in ateneo. i think it was the crowd. it just gets to me i guess. i mean i may look like a person with such a strong character and a person who can take on anything but honestly i am not half as strong as people think i am. i'm just not given the chance to vent out my inner fears, my weaknesses, the problems eating me, the loneliness and feeling of solitude, my insecurities, even the drought in my lovelife . people around me already defined me to be strong person and i guess i like the idea too so here i am trying so hard to live up to it. even though i know it is not good. anyway, where does he come in? well, every after math time on tuesdays and thursdays i pass him by the corridor. he never looks sideways. he walks with confidence and he looks so focused. i've tried to catch his eyes a time or two but he never looked back, i guess he didn't notice. i don't know why but everytime i would see him i felt lighter and a smile automatically forms on my face. it's like having life pumped back into your system. there's something in his eyes, his gaze, it's like a window to somewhere, somewhere where i might find answers to my questions, where i might get a sense of clarity on things in my life that seem to be a blur, where i might find that reason to appreciate better what i have and what i am. those eyes. that smile. when i see him smile it's like a signal that all will be better and happiness will come my way. a line from a song very well describes it.."your smile can heal a million souls"... his smile seems to bring a sort of healing to my wounded spirit. and i feel so blessed having come across him.

i don't know him. i don't know his story. i don't know what's behind that smile. i don't know what's really hidden behind those eyes. i have no idea of who he really is and i find it funny how i don't seem to care. all i know is im glad he is around and may he be a stranger he has brought much happiness during a confusing phase in my life. by the way, i found a solution to the problem i had and believe it or not it still came from him. it hit me one day when i almost bumped into him, there are some things better left unknown and if you really have to know then the knowledge will come to you in due time. plus there are a lot of given chances in life, every step we take is a chance it's all up to us to take that chance or let it pass. and the most important thing i learned is that there really is a reason for everything. a reason to smile. a reason to wake up the next day. a reason to live. a reason to let go. a reason to laugh. a reason to cry. a reason to dream. a reason to work. a reason to play. a reason to pray. a reason to believe and have faith. a reason, he has been. and among the many reasons i have, i would say he is one of my favorites.

those eyes, that smile, stuck in my head, giving me reason to smile,giving me reason to move on, giving me a reason to take a chance, giving me reason and inspiration. a stranger, an angel under cover, a guy from the caf, nicky.

nice day it was

Wed, 13 Apr 2005 15:54:26 GMT

guess what?!?!?!

i cleaned my room and i cleaned most of the house!!! :)) i felt weird doing all those... being the usual lazy mars who isn't really much of a help at home. haha. :)

i was left alone at home today. when i woke up, which was at 12 this noon, there was no one at home and i got a note saying that they will be gone til late tonight. they are back now and are all tucked cozily in bed. anyway, my day was pretty much ok, productive actually.

the moment i realized that i will be having a lot of time by myself a smile took over my face. i easily decided on what i will be doing today: bum around. be a couch potato, food on one hand and the remote in the other. but then i realized that i've seen all the movies that are here at home and i'm too lazy to go to the rental place. then another problem hit me, there aren't any food that i can sink my teeth into unless i exert extra effort on cooking them. so my plan was completely ruined. i went up to the room and tried my luck with my music. while lying on my bed i suddenly had this rush of energy. too much energy that i got scared. scared that if i don't do anything i'll die with energy overload (if there is such a thing)... so i tried to find something to do.

i ended up cleaning the room and then the house then i cooked fish for me. i drank 10 glasses of water. took a bath. turned off all the lights in the house played my gothic music in the darkness. lit a piece of candle which i placed in the center of the room and sat quietly in the living room until 8 this evening. then i watched american idol. my parents came home at around 830 then we ate, they brought me a burger . :) sweet parents they really are :) then they watched tv so i went to the rooma nd finished a walk to remember. i started reading it last night. after finishing the book i went downstairs, watch tv with the rest of the family and now back to being alone. well, not totally alone but alone as in i am the only one awake right now.

i'm definitely back

Mon, 11 Apr 2005 07:48:48 GMT

here's a promise to update this journal always since it's vacation and i don't really have a diary i better keep these memories here. plus this is for my bestest girls in the whole entire universe!!! i love you guys!!!

i'm at debz's place right now, i have been here since 12 this noon and sandz is here too. we are waiting for 7 o'clock to fetch sandz's car at their condo then we will head to alabang and sleep over at the twin's place. i'll be the only immature since stella is getting her tan at puerto galera. daya!!!

i haven't asked permission yet and i haven't even since my parents snce this morning when i left the house. i am nearly broke and i had only 4 hours of sleep since yesterday. wala lang :)

i got my grades this morning and i a fairly happy about it. i don't have a D and that's a relief for me asar nga lang english ko C+ lang but it's ok i'm over it. i have yet to do my best this college and i didn't give much effort to the things i have done this school year. i know i will do better this second year besides it's nice to consider the first year as the time for me to adjust and get a feel of what i should expect in college. i guess i now know better.

i gotta call my parents though or else i'll be dead. :))

hahaha..:))

let's get to business now. today i got news of intense crap!!!! made me so angry that my hands are aching to feel blood on them. slayer's girl has been hurt way too much and the slayer is enraged!!! so now i have a mission. not an apocalyptic mission but a mission to rid this world of one demon!!!

here is the plan of action:

Setting: Sandz sitting a few feet away, using debz' sister's computer. Debz and I on her laptop. Eavesdrop on this conversation:
Bestest's status: kill me. (with the busy icon)
We respond: NO. WE'LL KILL FOR YOU.
bestest: thanks!!!!! it should be swift, silent, and sweet.
dM: we'll do it your way. ;)
bestest: hahaha ok! so how do u plan to kill him?
dM: the slayer shall go for swift, I'll go for silent and sweet.
bestest: ooohhh..... nice. what's your weapon of choice?
dM: stake through his heart for the slayer. I'll go for the gun with the silencer. head shot!
bestest: bwahahaha!! kill 'em twice!
dM: yeah, double dead. just to be sure.
bestest: hahaha!! ya... where do u plan to kill him??
dM: i was just gna ask you that. :))
bestest: ahh.. hmm... dalhin nyo sa gubat??
dM: give us the place, where you want the body buried, the time, how fast you want it done.
bestest: ok. in the nearest forest, bury him in my backyard, 12 midnight, and quick. ay, kill him slowly nalang. so he'll feel the pain. >:)
dM: the slayer's an expert in torture. i shall take pictures. document the torture ;) hahaha. and show it to his face. we'll hire Steller to give out the sinister laugh. Just for kicks.
bestest: bwahahahahaha PERFECT! so when can u do it?
dM: NOW!
bestest: ok.. GO!!
dM: oh wait how soon is now? (haha i read that on a human shirt. and that is so Stella!!!)
dM: (oh your twin's rubbing off on me.)
bestest: hahahahahahahahahahahaah!!!!!!!
bestest: how soon is now? hmm... no idea. :)
dM: We'll ask Stells. Oh we have to wait, cos she won't be back 'til Wednesday.
dM: And we NEED someone to give out that laugh :P
bestest: oh right. in the meantime, let's drink til we get drunk!! hahahaha
bestest: audition ng evil laugh din cguro while she's gone
bestest: :P
dM: the slayer goes, 'let's not get drunk, let's get drunk-drunk'
bestest: goody goody!! drunky-drunk drunk!
dM: *hits the slayer's head* I'm going to school 2m for reg, damnit.
bestest: oh.. oops... bwahahaha!! i'll get u drunk somehow!! hahaha psaway ako diba?
dM: haha oo tinatalo mo ko sa pagiging pasaway eh. let's get the lone immature drunk-drunk!
bestest: shhh!!! cge!!!! di niya mapapansin na we'll keep filling her glass. hahaha >:)
dM: ok let's stop this. :)) basta we'll get her drunk!
bestest: ok!!! it's a deal ha.
dM: mars: ang gwapo ni louie!!!!! shit!!!!!!
bestest: hahaha!! nako! when u get drunk, we'll call louie tas kausapin mo!
dM: haha wag naman that would be trouble and Mars can never show her face to my brother na!!!
bestest: hahahahahaha!!!! ok lang yan... bwahahaha di naman niya alam eh.. so ok lang yun....
dM: mars: i don't like...
dM: =)) let's stop na.

so mister $^%*?!@!! better watch your back because we're coming to get you!!!

anyway, wala lang talaga... :)

he turned too sweet to tolerate

Fri, 18 Feb 2005 12:21:44 GMT

i love sweets. chocolates, candies, tootsie rolls, licorice sticks, cola pops, raisinets, chocolate-coated strawberries, cakes, ice cream, whipped cream, as long as it's sweet i generally like it. same with people. i like those who are sweet. thoughtful, huggy, comfy to be with, mushy to corny even... but sweets are not for everyday. sweets are not meant to be taken every second of every minute of every hour of every single day. once you do you'll just get tired of it. it's value will slowly diminish until it becomes nothing but something so regular. it will be so much of the ordinary that you'll get tired of it to the extent of one day actually disliking it.

he has gone extra sweet. too sweet to be exact. it's like having chocolate for breakfast, chocolate for snack, chocolate for lunch, chocolate for dinner, and chocolate for midnight snack, plus some chocolate to munch on while hours are left blank. they have a word for it in tagalog...nakakauyam!

i dont want him to be nakakauyam. i dont want to get tired of him. i dont want him to be something like that of a routine. i would hate for him to be nothing but an addition to my schedule. i like the random texts, the spontaneous expression of affection, i like the mystery we venture to discover as we get to know each other some more. i like being there for him and being sure that he is there for me. i like...make that, i love the friendship we have. something special, similar to that of a girlfriend-boyfriend thing but not as committing. that's the ideal relationship i'm looking for right now. i don't want a romantic partner. i want and need a guy that i could call my bestfriend. i want someone i'll be very comfortable with. i want him to be the friend i'll be keeping for the rest of my life because frankly life has become a lot better now that he is around.. :)

i hope he won't become too sweet to handle. i really like what we've turned out to be. i hope this lasts. :)

i miss my lolo

Tue, 15 Feb 2005 12:01:41 GMT

awhile ago i was in church and i attended mass. i saw tatay there alone somewhere in front. i went to him and sat beside him. it was quite different. being beside him felt different. it shot me back to the time when spaniards rule the country. i felt like a maria clar type hearing mass with a spanish grandfather, who is all serious, distant and self-righteous. somehow, it was a bit of a scare but i somehow loved being there beside him.

i miss my lolo na tuloy... lolo apol has been in heaven for almost 5 years. but the pain of his departure from earth still resides in my heart. in a way iahven't really moved on from his going away.

i miss him

to the angel who rocked my world...

Fri, 11 Feb 2005 13:57:34 GMT

i'll have to face the fact that to make our lives really better we would have to part ways...

"i've been loving you for such a long long time expecting nothing in return but for you to have a little faith in me."

i miss you.

i say that with all sincerity. my heart shouts out that phrase. i don't know why. it just does.

i should hate you. i should despise you. i should just forget about you. i'll always find better. but all that i can't do. i want to but i can't.

look at what you've done to me.. look at the fool i turned out to be.. all these because you decided to leave me.. because you chose to just give up on me.. because you chose to give up on what was supposed to be "us"..

why haven't you called? why haven't you texted? why haven't you made any effort on checking if i'm still alive? have i been erased? have i been completely forgotten? if so, how did you do it? how did you kill all of those memories? how were you able to just throw away all the unwritten, unstated plans set for the two of us? how? tell me how!!! then i'll do just the same...

this is eating me up inside. i go on with my everyday with a smile on my face and a dagger planted deep into my heart. it is so hard to put on a happy face when you are so sad, so alone, so confused. it is so hard to laugh when your soul is slowly dying from the pain.

i admit i had my share of faults in what had happened between us and i am truly sorry. i just really wanted you to see that it wasn't all just me. we both made mistakes. we stood opposite each other on an issue and we both are full of pride; we made different stands on the problem at hand and decided to stick to them. we contradicted each other and drifted apart. but why did we have to?

i loved you. i love you still. and maybe that's why im still clinging onto that hope that we will find a way to work this out. maybe it's why i just can't let go and forget. walking alone through streets i have once walked through with you, passing by places we've been in a time or two, being around people and friends i share with you, drown me in this very dark and scary pool of misery.

are you feeling the same way? do you think of me before you sleep? do you find yourself talking to yourself while looking in the mirror, asking what happened? what went wrong? do you miss me? do wish that we could just rewind everyhthing and re-do all the ugly events of the past 3 weeks? do wish that i'd call? do you ever wish that we'll just bump into each other, look each other in the eyes, see the love and sincerity, then in our hearts forgiveness and understanding? do you go asking people what to do? do you go out of your way, finding means to get me back? wait... do i actually value to you? what am i to you? that's more important than all the other questions. how do you see me? more importantly, what role do or did you want me to play in your life?

what am i my dear angel? what am i to you bittersweet darling angel? was a game? was i just friend? was i nothing more than someone to pass time with? or did you love me? did you ever look at me and whispered to yourself "man, she's got me hooked"? did i ever have a special place in your heart?

answer! answeres to these questions are what i need. give me the answers and i'll brace myself. i need to know the answers for me to be able to move on. for me to be able to live once more.

time's a wasting... i'm slowly fading... do something...

i miss you.

i say that with all sincerity. my heart shouts out that phrase. i don't know why. it just does.

call. text. write. find a bridge. whatever just do something. i don't care if it saves us or kill the litlle that's left but do something. please do something!!!

who is marielle?

Fri, 11 Feb 2005 12:58:42 GMT

"i am marielle. i am a gothic damsel but not in distress. "

wow! for the longest time, i really really wanted to be able to say that. i guess here is my chance. a goth is quite far from what most of the people who know me would call me. it's not something that people will say about me at first glance. people who think they know me would even say that it is impossible to even think of me as one. being a goth is actually the me hiding inside the me everybody knows. but thanks to my english class today i was able to somehow come out in public as the real me.

english class today, february 11 year 2005, has been nothing less of a thrill. i could actually say that this is perhaps the most interesting class i had in english for this school year.

wala lang nabanggit ko lang...

today

Wed, 09 Feb 2005 14:14:04 GMT

partly happy.
partly sad.
partly thankful.
partly disappointed.
partly tired.
partly energized.
sleepy but giddy.

that's me today.

cold hearted bitch is back everybody!!!

Tue, 08 Feb 2005 13:46:13 GMT

maybe love is just not for me. better i just give up now than to sink deeper. this had happened to me twice. i hated myself the first time and i hate myself more today. i am not sure if it is a human thing to be so stupid or if it is part of the things i just gotta deal with being my kind here on earth.

the first fall was better though. a cliff. that was where i was back then. i went a long journey up a cliff trying to save myself from any pain. i decided to go as high as i can thinking that the higher i go the farther away from love i would be then the more impossible it would be for me to cry, to be held prisoner of an addictive emotion that would most problaly bring me to my end. i saw running away, going up a cliff as a good escape. at the height i was in back then i was free to see how this thing called love made people go crazy. it made them lose themselves. it made them all morons. it made them fools. it made them all beggars, needy for passion, helplessly weak from the spell that bound them. i heard them cry. i heard them curse. i heard them hate love. and yet this men and women, no matter how much they've been hurt before, the moment it knocks again to the doors of their hearts, they welcome it. they have completely gone insane. and i told myself that i would not be a part of that madness. i would not drown in that deep pool of chaos. i would not have myself caught in in the middle of bliss and misery. i would be up there. alone. up there. safe. in perfect clarity. i was so sure of myself until that day.

it was a summer. i think it was the wind that blew him to my direction. and maybe it was the intolerable heat that melted my brain and my focus. he talked and all was in a different color. he allowed me to see through him. he allowed me to explore the depths of his soul. he made me feel special. for some reason i believed. i believed i was special, to him i was. looking down at him from where i was satnding. i, at the top of the cliff, he, with arms stretched open as if to catch me, way down at the bottom. he looked inviting. he looked like someone i could trust. for some funny reason i think felt strongly for him. i felt like he is suppose to be a part of my life. he made me lose my reasons. i started thinking about taking the fall. he would be there to catch me. he would be. well, i thought he would be. so i gathered my guts and prepared myself for the plunged. it was a long way down. i saw him looking at me, waiting for me to hit his arms. he was smiling. i was falling filled with much glee. but halfway down he took his eyes off of me. his arms went down to his sides. i was falling and falling fast and there he was standing below me with his head turned. i can't believe what was happening. and just when i was only a few meters away, he turned his back. he walked away. i felt the first tear fall from the side of my eye and as it flowed on my cheek i just closed my eyes. i was headed for one great fall. i was headed to my end. it was the end.

i was long on the ground and for some moment i thought i was dead but my eyes were open and the whole of me hurt. my soul was wrapped in cold darkness. my heart was filled with hate. i wish i died. i wished the fall would have been enough to take everything with just that instant. but love was not that way. love was not that easy to get over with. i know that now. i knew that then. i cried. i drowned myself in misery for some time. let the wounds dry. the cuts drew scars, permanent marks of stupidity. i got back up to my feet. made my way back up to the cliff. ignored all calls of love to me. i was cold-hearted. i was bitter. i was like a rock unmoved. i just wanted to go up. back to my place of sanctuary. i wanted to get back to where i felt like i was in perfect clarity. never mind the pain never mind the obstacles, i just wanted to get there.

after 2 years i finally got back to my safe zone. the top of the cliff felt even more warm and homely. i told myself i am never gonna leave this place again. i gathered strength from people's pain. the more they share to me their problems with love the more i felt like i was right all along. it made me stronger knowing that i have chosen what is right. not loving is what is right.

but then he came. and he is a different story. his, i saw coming. his, i knew would hurt more. his, i knew would make me swallow all the things i said about not wanting love. but i am not ready to talk about his story yet. the pain is still too much. i'm still bleeding. and it's hard to breathe. i feel like im nearer to that malady of darkness, nearer now than with the first.

i think it is because i've allowed myself to be more a human. and like humans, i know exactly what was coming, im perfectly aware of what would happen but when it came i caught me by surprise. it caught me unprepared.

but i assure you... cold hearted bitch is back everybody!!! slayer is here to slay vampires again!!! the game is back on... monsters prepare. im in pain and im in search of vengeance in any way!!! ]

so how's about a hug? :)

almost perfect!!

Fri, 04 Feb 2005 12:50:37 GMT

today started with me still on the phone with anton, the guy i was thanking in my last entry. we finished talking at around 0129. and it wasn't because we've ran out of things to say nor because we've both gone sleepy but because the phone i was using all of a sudden went low-batt. but i guess it's ok because, somehow, i do need sleep.

i woke up at around six. did my usual routine in the morning. got in the car. then it was off to school. papa and i dropped off pol at lsm then we went to makati science hoping that we would finally be able to pass the requirements for the entrance test. but we were not lucky. the moment we arrived was the exact moment that the rosa has gone with most of the fourth year students and MS GONZALES! they will be attending some economics bullshit there. so we headed on to ateneo. papa needed to fetch his sister rin kasi e.

in school at around 0815. i decided to take one of the tables near the nescafe stall. i sat there alone for like 15mins. pretending to be concentrating on my math homework. but really my head was filled with only thoughts of food. then debbie and ansel, my math blockmate, came. i pretended even harder to look like i was doing math. but my stomach growled like crazy. mansy came. i ate. chicken strips with rice from healthy kitchen and a bottle of mineral water.

after eating ansel left me and mansy, debbie went on to her class. mansy and i were stuck with each other. not that it's a bad thing. i really liked having the chance to get a heart-to-heart talk with her. she was amon the friendliest persons i met in ateneo.

+short recall: back in the first months of school mansy was always the "o san ang block lunch?", "gusto mo niyan? o sige.", and "oi mars., dito ka o." she really cares and she is very thoughtful. she is also quite talkative but highly sensible. she is one of my first friends in college.+

anyhoo, we talkled about our manangs, former manangs, future manags and the different brutalities we've done. it was a weird topic to talk about but i would say we carried the conversation well.

bell rang. math time. we went to sec. i almost fell asleep in class. it was weird because i am usually very lively and attentive during this subject but i guess i was just really sleepy. anyway, math ended and we all went to the caf. by all i mean the block. for lunch i had a turon and milk. a weird combination if you'll ask me but that was what i had. weird.

physics. i was semi-listening. maybe i just don't dig the teacher. i like the topic right now and somehow i have an idea of what it's all about but when it comes to discussion i just feel so dumb. i don't know. whatever i guess.

after physics i didn't have qany more classes so i went to the library to borrow books that i can use as reference for my review. my first draft got a C and i didn't like it. so i've decided to focus on this one, get back to my witty self and do the best i can as a former school journalist to present a paper that will give an A. i mean, i know i can do it if i just start actually doing it. and that is what im doing. after getting the books i met up with debbie.

while walking to the socsci benches we ran into LOUIE!!! omg!!! i don't know why but everytime i see him or have him near me, i turn into this "makahiya" plant. he has this certain something in him that just takes my breath away. it's weird but it's turned into one of my personal facts. anyhoo, he stayed with us and even carried the four books i borrowed when we walked to debbie's car. he is such a gentleman!! then we went back to quad two and had ice cream. i know stella, walang connection but i just have to say.. ang cute ni LOUIE noh?! :) hehehe..

anyway after that, debz and i saw ryan, wlahed him to the caf then went to UP to fetch stella and spend time with her. we've really been taking advantage of any given opportuniy that we may tighten further our bonds as bestest friends in the whole entire universe. i love those girls so much. they help give meaning to my life. they are the people i get crazy with at the same time the friends that keep me grounded and sane.

we went to the isawan, a place in UP known for their isaw. i had ten sticks of isaw. wala lang. addict. hehehehe.. :) then we decided to go to ateneo. we were almost bumped by a red car, walked around, had ice tea then laughed. after some short minutes we drove stelz back to her car in UP. it was all so sweet, the way we said our goodbyes. it was like there were strings connectng us that just won't permit us to seperate ways. but we did. and then debz dropped me off at market market. from there i walked home.

at home. i changed my shirt. took some money. went straight here to paul john's computer shop.

now i am typing this entry.

i would say i had a n almost perfect day. almost because i haven't eaten dinner yet but i guess after stuffing my tummy with my mom's delicious cooking then my day would finally be complete. then i would get the chance to say that this is a perfect day.

not much stress. not much worries. no big problems. no known confusion. no majopr slip ups. just a simple day filled with memoriesd im sure to be keeping in my memory box.

ice cream. wrinkles. shades. bog. ice tea = red. manang. sorry. thank you. love. friendship. commitment. thermodynamics. definite antiderivatives. simplicity. laughter. smiles. traffic. rnb. car. isaw. fun. blessed. these are the words of today. these are the words that completed my perfect day.

one love forever

Thu, 03 Feb 2005 14:28:46 GMT

Eco ora mai, il momento temuto da tempo, sai
Gia so quello che mi dirai, e la fine di noi.

So che con lui
tu ti senti piu
libera di essere
di volere, di prendere
di contare di piu

Che sciocco io
io che ti ho dato tutto di me
Ora che vai
stai portando il mio cuore con te.

Un amore per sempre
dura solo un istante
Sono tanti ricordi che
svaniscono in te
Resta forse quel sogno
Una storia di amanti
ma a la fine vai via
da me

Questa citta` che mi penso
deserto di lacrime
Sento il cuore affogato in me
Mentre tu sei con lui

Dicono che no si muore nel'amore
Non perdi mai
Io mi sento morire ormai
fuoco dentro di me

So pure che dovrei essere felice per te

Ma, mentirei, perche volgio che resti con me

Un amore per sempre
Dura solo un istante
Sono tanti ricordi
che svaniscono in te

Resta forse quel sogno
una storia di amanti
Ma la fine di verlo
te ne vai, vai con duole

Un amore per sempre
dura solo un istante
Sono troppi ricordi
che svaniscono in te
Resta quel che momento
forse solo un istante
Ma la fine vai via
lontano da me

i hate him yet i miss him

Mon, 31 Jan 2005 11:45:40 GMT

i cant believe this is happening to me. i never wanted a boyfriend because of this. i never wanted the confusion, the thinking too much, the trying to comply to his demands, his wishes, his schedules and his SHALLOWNESS!!!!!!

all of the things i sooooo dread im getting now. i think this is fate's revenge on me. all those guys i toyed around with. all that pain and confusion i've inflicted them. o my gosh!!! i hate this!!!! i hate him!!! i hate ANGELO!!!! he is such an ASSHOLE!!! what the fuck is wrong with him?!?!?! nakakainis!!!!

it's been two weeks running and we have yet to talk. he's been too moody and i think he wants me to do everything to have us ok again. as if?!?!? hello!!!! girl! mars! marielle! still girl!!!!

after trying to talk to him, i even went to his house to try to talk to him but hay naku!!!! i hate him!!!!!!